Mike Rowse A voice from New Mexico

30Dec/160

It’s the end of the year, time for end of times predictions that went wrong

well it's the end of 2016 a year that is being called one of the worst ever by the media and the liberals, I guess because they got rebuked in the election and have lost their power. But around the end of the year somebody always comes up with predictions for the following year which are inevitably horribly wrong, nonetheless they are fun to talk about. Looking back on history there is always a doomsday prediction by someone who believes this is the year that Earth as we know it will and including life as we know it. So why not take some time to look back at some predictions about doomsday that have been horribly wrong.

Since it was the most recent why not start with the Mayan calendar prediction that our world would end in 2012. As you will recall the theory was that the Mayan calendar ended on December 21, 2012 and the reason the calendar ended on that date is because the Mayans new our world as we know it would and on that date as well. There were lots of predictions about how it would end whether through a cataclysmic volcanic explosion, a series of earthquakes, or even a comet or meteor hitting the earth and wiping us all out. Of course people built bunkers in their backyards, survival kits became the hot item to buy, even a Chinese guy build a modern day Noah's Ark. 50 years from now people will look at those bunkers and wonder what we were thinking just like we look back on the 50s and their nuclear holocaust bunkers.

A Taiwanese man named Hon-Ming Chen founded a religion that he called "true way" which was a combination of beliefs from several modern-day religions as well as UFO conspiracies. Among other things that he believed, he claimed that God would come to earth in the form of a human that just so happened to look a lot like him. He claimed that in 1989 the earth would be ravaged by demons who would flood the earth and kill us all. We are still here but maybe the flooding of Earth and the rising of tides was the basis for Al Gore's theories.

William Miller preached to the masses in 1831 about a time that Jesus himself would walk the earth again in 1843. Nearly 100,000 people believed him and felt that when Jesus came back he would take them all up to heaven. When the date had passed and nothing had happened, Miller decided that the world would actually end in 1844. If i’m not mistaken, that didn’t work out either. But he continued to have a large following for another 20 years until his final doomsday prediction failed to materialize; imagine that.

Harold was a man who has predicted the end of the world more than 10 times. After a failed prediction in 1992, he then claimed that on May 21, 2011, the world would drown in a massive flood. The flood would take place exactly 7,000 years after a the biblical flood. When the date had gone by and the world was still alive, he proclaimed that his math was wrong and that it would actually happen on October 21, 2011. C’mon, man.

German mathematician Johannes Stöffler predicted that when all of the planets were aligned under the Pisces, earth would be flooded. The date that this were to happen was February 25, 1524. When word got out, great panic ensued, and a giant ark was built by Count von Iggleheim, a German nobleman. on the appointed day, storm clouds gathered as did the faithful who believed the prediction was going to come true. The amount of rain never got above a light drizzle, kind of like the anticipation and disappointment many teenagers feel on prom night.

During the year 1806 in the English town of Leeds, a little hen apparently had the ability to lay eggs that were inscribed with messages declaring that Christ was coming and the end of the world was near. The entire city was struck with fear and began visiting the hen in the hopes of finding new information about when exactly the world would end. Well, it never happened, and as it turned out, the owner of the hen was writing messages on eggs and then stuffing them back into the poor hen! This was the precursor to seeing images of Jesus Christ on toast, pancakes, potato chips, and various other foodstuffs. predictably, with the same disappointing results.

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23Dec/160

Just how stupid can you be?

Not everyone who commits a crime is stupid; sometimes someone feels a sense of desperation and believes they have no other choices. But to commit to a life of crime shows a lack of intelligence; if you get caught over and over, especially for the same reason, you jump to the top of the stupid criminal list.

Zachary Munoz, 26, of Cheyenne WY is making his bid for the title. Munoz was arrested last month and charged with breaking into a equipment rental store on 3 different occasions. He took various power tools including chain saws, drills, lawn tools, etc. He had pawned some of the chain saws at a local pawn shop but the clerk couldn't positively identify Munoz and surveillance cameras weren't much help as Munoz wore a cap and never looked up.

But not to worry, on the first occasion of Munoz's visit to the rental store, he decided to check out what was in the fridge in the employee break room. Yahtzee! There was someone's lunch including a peanut butter & jelly sammich. Munoz took the meal, eating only half the sandwich and leaving it at the scene. Police of course sent the unfinished lunch off to the lab and were able to get a match positively identifying Munoz as the perpetrator. Munoz was arrested, arraigned, told how they caught him, and then released on bail while awaiting trial.

It did not take him long to return to his wicked ways. Within the space of 2 weeks shortly have his release, Munoz broke into and robbed the J.C. Penny's store 3 times. Each time he took jewelry and pawned some of it at the same pawn shop where he sold the chain saws. The first time he broke into the store at the Frontier Mall, Munoz made a cup of coffee and left the cup sitting on the counter in the jewelry department. Yep, the lab made a positive match to Munoz's DNA off the coffee cup, leading to his arrest once again.

Police caught up with Munoz after the J.C. Penny robberies behind the Sportsmen's Warehouse attempting to break into that store. At least they avoided being burgled 3 times. Did anyone else notice that Munoz established a pattern of robbing a store 3 times? Is he OCD? What is going on in Cheyenne that you can successfully rob the same store 3 times? Do they not make changes to their security? It happened, oh well, at least it won't happen again, no one is stupid enough to rob the same place twice or now three times? Maybe the cold has affected their brains.

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20Dec/160

Then v. now – Snowflake edition

I think we have put this post up before but it's always amusing and probably appropriate now because of the way our Utes have acted during this election cycle. We've raised a generation of namby pamby wussies.

Scenario one: Johnny goes quail hunting before he goes to school. He drive straight to school after hunting and his shotgun is hanging in the back window from the gun rack.

1970 reaction: the Vice Principal sees Johnny's gun hanging in the back of his truck, goes to his truck pulls out his shotgun and shows it to Johnny they talk about how many birds each one shot that morning.

2016 reaction: the Vice Principal sees Johnny's gun in the back of his truck locks down the school calls the SWAT team. Johnny is arrested and his truck and gone are seized by the police. The school calls in counselors to help the little snowflakes deal with the trauma of having a gun in the parking lot.

scenario two: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight outside of school.

1970 reaction: the crowd gathers all the to fight it out. Johnny wins the fight, picks Mark up off the ground shake hands and go their separate ways. Neither one holds a grudge.

2016 reaction: a crowd gathers to film the fight with their videophones. As Johnny begins to win a couple of marks friends step in to help you. Ultimately a member of the school administration sees the videos posted on Facebook calls the police and both Johnny and Mark are arrested. Both are expelled from school. Counselors are called in to help the snowflakes deal with the trauma of violence in the vicinity.

Scenario three: Billy breaks a car window when he throws a baseball while playing in the front yard. The car belongs to a neighbor. Billy's dad yells at him.

1970 reaction: Billy's dad makes him go next door and tell the neighbor what happened. Billy spends the next four weekends working for the neighbor to pay off the cost of replacing the window. Billy doesn't make the same mistake again and goes on to a successful businessman after graduating college.

2016 reaction: a neighbor sees Billy's dad yelling at him and calls CYFD. Billy is removed to foster care as is his sister. Dad is arrested and charged with child abuse. A counselor says that Billy sister suddenly remembers being sexually abused by her father. Billy's dad goes to prison and must register as a sex offender when he's released. Both Billy and his sister in the bouncing from house to house, using drugs and ultimately go to jail themselves. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist who identified her ex-husband as a sex offender.

Scenario four: Pedro moves to America from Mexico with his family. Pedro fails English class.

1970 reaction: Pedro goes to summer school to improve his English. He gets good grades the next year, goes on to college and gets his degree.

2016 reaction: an advocate for minority rights here's about Pedro and takes up his cause. The national media pick up the story and find experts to say the teaching English in American schools is racist. The ACLU files suit against the school system and the English teacher, as a result English classes are removed from the core curriculum at the school. Pedro doesn't learn English, gets his diploma anyway, and ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't get a job where English is spoken.

Scenario five: Bobby take some firecrackers panels them on top of finance bed and put the can over them. He likes one and runs away to watch what happens.

1970 reaction: ants die and a coffee can flies in the air.

2016 reaction: ATF officers are called and arrested Johnny charging him with domestic terrorism. PETA asks for animal cruelty charges to be filed also. Johnny's parents were arrested and their computers are confiscated. Because Johnny's dad bought the fireworks for a Fourth of July celebration he is charged with domestic terrorism and is put on the no-fly list. The children are removed from the home and put in foster care.

honestly, we could go on and on most of the scenarios having to do with overreaction by public authorities and counseling for little snowflakes that didn't even know something was going on around them much less get traumatized by it. And we wonder why so many kids today were crying and claiming to be in fear for their lives when Donald Trump got elected.

16Dec/160

You think waterboarding is bad? You don’t know bad, you can’t handle bad.

So many leftists and a few on the right are against waterboarding calling it torture. Never mind that it's an effective way to obtain information from bad guys and Americans don't put others lives in danger. Whether it's bad or not, we've come a long way in our methods of torture or punishment or interrogation. Just look at what pirates used to do.

one method of punishment that tyrants use was called sweating. The offender was tied by a short road to the mast. The rest of the crew would try and/or poke him with their swords. The offender had to try and dance or jump around to avoid the pokes. Often if there was someone who had a fiddle they would play music while the offender danced around.

While it may not have been as common as movies try to make us think it was, walking the plank was an actual punishment for prisoners or members of the crew who had betrayed their shipmates. The person would be blindfolded and told to begin walking, but they weren't always stupid, they knew where they were headed. So it was not uncommon for the sentenced party to be shot in the legs forcing that person to fall off the plank. They also knew that that would attract sharks and their death would be even more horrible.

Flogging is another well-known form of punishment. And it was as you saw in the movies; the person was tied to the mast and went across the back. What is not as commonly known is that salt and vinegar would then be poured into the wounds. That was often more painful than the actual punishment.

If your shipmates were so mad at you that they didn't want to take the time to let you walk the plank they would just throw you overboard. Sometimes they would tie you to a rope and drag you along until you drowned or succumbed to hypothermia. All while they drank rum and took bets on how long you would last.

If you are offense was not so severe that your shipmates wanted to kill you, they would tie you to a board and dunk you in the ocean several times. How long you stayed under or how many times you got dumped depended not only upon the severity of your transgression but the drunkenness of your shipmates.

Keel hauling was similar to being dumped but probably meant that your shipmates were a little bit more mad at you. Or they were too drunk to keep lifting you out of the ocean so they would tie you to the keel and let the ship to the work.

My ruining someone on a deserted island was also fairly, and whether they be prisoners or members of the crew that had fallen out of favor. There was little to no chance of survival but often the offending person was allowed to take a pistol with one shot so they could end their life if they so desired. That was thoughtful.

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7Dec/160

Funny thoughts…

mickey-mouse-face

wouldn't the worst time to have a heart attack be during a game of charades?

Swimming is a confusing sport. Sometimes you do it for fun, sometimes you do it to win a race, sometimes you do it so that you do not die.

A friend of mine was telling me that he was the designated driver one night while in college. He was taking his sister and four or five of her friends out for an evening of dancing and drinking. Whenever it was his turn to be the DD and take them out never really had fun and they had on occasion suggested that they go to a gay club. The reason being, that he was wanting to pick up girls at the bars they were usually going to and often wanted to leave early because he couldn't participate in the fun. One night he finally agreed but he was worried that he would be hit upon all night long. His experience was something different than he imagined. He was about 28 at the time and said all of the guys in the gate are worked easily between 19-22; all of them were studs, with six pack abs and looks like Brad Pitt. He just sat at the bar sipping on Coca-Cola all night while his sister and her friends have fun. Not one time did any guy hit upon him, that is until 1 AM when the last call announcement was made. Then guys were coming up to him asking him where he had been all night. That is when it hits him, he was the fat chick at the gay bar. He never complained about going to a dance club after that.

How many of you have played the dice game bunco? You know what that word means; it means gossiping while holding dice.

Ladies if you want to control your boyfriend or your husband what do you do? I think one of the most common answers is that you withhold sex. That is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Let me explain it this way; there is already a very, very long line of people not having sex with your boyfriend or husband. You don't see them running around doing stuff just to have sex with them all the time do you? If you want your husband or boyfriend to finish the to do list you gave him or help more around the house you should have sex with them all the time. That way your man knows he owes you big time and will keep doing things to make you happy so that you won't stop having sex with him. I can tell you what's going through his mind, I'm going to do all of this stuff and be back for fun time later.

Men are like bricks; our whole purpose in life is to get laid and then hang around the block with our bodies.

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3Nov/160

How about a little low brow humor?

Sexism Motivation

there will be a lot of people who will say this is not funny if they are in public when they hear it. But they will secretly laugh at it or if they are alone they will laugh out loud. Lowbrow humor, according to scientific studies, or appreciation of lowbrow humor is an indicator of a higher level of intelligence. And you cannot argue with science so if you don't think this is funny I'm sorry that you have to ride the short bus to school.

People have tweeted the following about sex related topics;

Did you know that a pigs orgasm lasts for about 30 minutes? So would mind if I were having sex with something made out of bacon.

I undid my girlfriends bra with one hand the first time we had sex. She looked at me and asked if I had been practicing? Of course not I said, as I exchanged a knowing glance with my dog.

I read a magazine article that said be honest with your partner about what you want during sex. Later as my boyfriend and I were having sex he asked what I wanted, I replied a pet kangaroo.

Sex is really good but have you ever had bacon? No comparison.

My college roommate told me once, if there is a sock on the door knob it means I'm having sex, with the other one.

Can you buy a ticket on Virgin Airlines if you aren't one?

Sex is like pizza, if you are going to use barbecue sauce, you had better know what the heck you are doing.

What idiot named it leaving right after sex and not, nuts and bolts?

My doctor asked me how much exercise I get each week. I asked him if having sex counts and he said it does. My response was, absolutely none I'm married.

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1Nov/160

Why men shouldn’t write advice columns

men v women

There is a reason that Ann Landers was so successful for so many years; she actually listens to the question and what is really being asked of her. Women's brains work differently than those of men; we tend to see the problem that is most important to us and then try to solve it. It's what we do. Here's an example of why we don't give relations

Dear John,

The other morning I left the house for work. I left my husband watching television as it was his day off. About a mile from the house the car sputtered and died. I could not get it restarted. I walked back to the house to get help. When I walked in I found my husband in the bedroom having sex with the neighbors daughter. He is 34, I am 32 and she is 19. He admitted that they have been having an affair for about six months. He promised to stop seeing her but he will not go to counseling. We have been married for 10 years and I do not want it to end but I am a mess. What should I do?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. First check the fuel line for any debris. If it is clear check the vacuum hoses on the intake manifold. Then check the grounding wires to see if any are loose. if none of this solves the problem then it could be a malfunctioning fuel pump, Causing low fuel pressure. You might need a mechanic to help you with this. I hope this helps, good luck in the future

Sincerely John

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27Oct/160

Random thoughts and observations

Iranian protests

The term redneck is unique to American lexicology, but the principle of an unsophisticated individual or group of individuals can be found in every country. Darwin waits patiently for all stupid people. In Gaza, a suicide bomber with ties to Hamas was shot and killed before he could detonate his bomb. His body was recovered by his fellow members of Hamas. Despite not having accomplished his mission, they still held a funeral worthy of a martyr. Here's a little pro tip for you would be terrorists; if your suicide bomber does not detonate his load before he dies, you might want to remove the bomb vest from his body before you start parading through town with his corpse. You guessed it, the bomb vest exploded taking at least 15 terrorists to meet Allah. That is karma baby!

I thought the whole Black Lives Matter movement and similar anti-discrimination and bigotry groups was geared towards eliminating racism. Apparently I am wrong and they want to further entrench racism into our country. This is certainly not the only story like this you can find, but it is clearly indicative of how these radicals think. At the University of California Berkeley this past weekend students protested the lack of safe spaces for "people of color" on the campus. Of course these safe spaces are designed to keep these little snowflakes protected from words and images that might offend them. That might cause them emotional harm and trauma just because they saw a word or saw a white person. The protesters quickly formed a human chain blocking access to Sather Gate, which apparently is one of the main entrances to the campus if you are walking. Now this was caught on video, the students would not allow white people to enter or exit through the gate. Rather they were forced to walk through the woods and cross Strawberry Creek in order to get to their classes. I wonder how the environmental groups on campus felt about that? Forcing the students and faculty to walk through the creek probably disturbed the riparian area and caused pollution not to mention killing some plants. The students are asking for different treatment because of the color of one's skin which we will ask again, is that not racism pure and simple? Remember the Democrats in the south enacted separate but equal laws keeping blacks and whites apart and in, theoretically, equal public institutions. That is the same thing the students are asking for right now. So explain to me how this helps to end racism?

One of the things we have always talked about when it comes to voting for elected officials at any level is that you should vote for the person who most closely reflects your belief system. When their core principles and yours are most closely aligned, and you know what is important to you and you should vote for the person who shares a similar set of principles. We can ask questions about what a person would do, what type of legislation they would support, or how they would deal with general issues. But one thing we can never anticipate is all of the things that an elected official will be asked to deal with while in office. If you vote for someone who reflects your general belief system, then you should have a degree of comfort knowing that they will deal with issues in the same manner that you might. One of the problems of course is that too many of our candidates tell us one thing and do another, and they do not often reveal their true principles to us. I find it interesting that in our local race, one candidate will not completely identify her educational or work history. Maybe it's because in some of her writings, she has identified herself as a cultural Marxist. She believes her work has been greatly affected by her political views. And maybe because she identifies with a very alternative lifestyle; she believes in living communally with adults and children and prefers to live that way as well as maintaining some other sexually open relationships in addition to a primary one. She also identified some of her most influential readings being authored by researchers who promoted what some called deviant sexual relationships. I wonder why this isn't in her biography?

Hillary Clinton was being interviewed on Fusion television and was asked why she voted for a wall along the Mexico/United States border in 2006. Her answer is typical political babble. She said she voted for border security in 2006 and part of the bill included a fence which, she pointed out it was never called a wall, but was called a fence. Maybe she said in some places it was a wall but to her it was a fence and not a wall. Is that like saying it depends upon what the definition of "is" is? Apparently she learned well from her husband how to parse words.

25Oct/160

What are you searching for again?

.internet

last week we rediscovered Google's analytics. There are some strange people that have the ability to use a computer and search the Internet. In fact it's time to put me in charge of who gets to breathe or not because clearly some stupid people are living longer and in some cases have learned how to reproduce. It's time to bring back lawn darts, take off all the warning labels and let things sort themselves out.

Here are the most frequently searched "how to" questions on Google by state. we aren't going to talk about all states but just some of this ones that are a bit shall we say different.

Alabama-how to make love. Well, first put your arms around your sister and kiss her.

Colorado how to play backgammon. Is that the new Stoner game?

Connecticut-how to be pretty. Moved to the south and tell them you are somebody's sister.

Delaware-how to get away with murder. I knew that residents of Delaware don't like some of their neighbors but isn't that bad?

Florida-how to get out of Florida. No, you just stay right there we don't want you infesting the rest of the country.

Georgia-how to crack a safe. Not because they're looking to rob someone but they forgot the combination to their gun safe.

Indiana-how to be popular. Well if you are pretty moved to Connecticut, they apparently need some pretty girls there.

Iowa-how to make Jell-O shots. Really, are you kidding me? Did your parents not teach you?

Kansas-how to find Kansas. Walk outside?

Kentucky-how to make a baby. First take off your sister's clothes.

Massachusetts-how to make doughnuts. You don't have a Dunkin' Donuts or Krispy Kreme?

Michigan-how to get unemployment. I thought they were teaching life skills in public school?

Minnesota-how to quit a job. Um, don't show up? People in Minnesota are really just Canadians, they are too nice to quit the job they hate.

Mississippi-how to twerk. act like you just went number two and don't have any toilet paper and are trying to get that last Dangler off your butt.

Montana-how to hard boil eggs. Too many Californians have moved to Montana.

Nebraska-how to fly a plane. Is that where we are sending all the Syrian refugees?

New Hampshire-how to tip cows. It depends upon how good the service is, talk to the people in Nebraska.

New Mexico-how to put on a condom. Clearly a lot of you need to know that they teaching this in public school?

Oklahoma-how to sext. first dialed your sister's number.

Pennsylvania-how to get drunk. If you know someone in Iowa:.

South Carolina-how to be yourself. First quit entering beauty pageants and saying bless her heart.

Utah-how to train the Dragon. hey, what are those Mormons up to now?

Virginia how to propose. First kneel in front of your sister.

If I have offended anyone, rub some dirt on it and get over it.

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19Oct/160

Too funny, too true

mickey-mouse-face

Sometimes you just need a bit of a laugh, especially these days. What people search for on the internet can be very revealing and give us a bit of humor as well. So what is it that people are searching for when it comes to plastic surgery procedures and what does it say about your state?

Here in NM, along with Arizona and Nevada, the most commonly searched for procedure is lip injections. I'm really not sure what to say about that, which might be a first.

But the ones that are really telling; in 9 states, people are looking to increase the size of their wedding tackle; e.g. penis enlargement. Alaska, Hawaii, Oklahoma, Missouri, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, Kentucky, and Michigan. I'm not sure if it's the men doing the research or the women. And for some reason throw in Massachusetts & New Hampshire.

Laser hair removal is the top search in 5 states, but probably not the ones you might think. Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Oregon, and Wisconsin. I'd have thought the southern states might dominate this category but then again, maybe the women don't think their back hair needs to be removed.

In the south, it's actually liposuction; Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, North & South Carolina, Tennessee, West Virginia, New York, Delaware, Illinois, and a couple of other northeastern states that are too small to care about. Maybe if they laid off the deep fried Twinkies... just sayin'.

Eyelid surgery makes a couple of appearances in New Hampshire, Minnesota, and South Dakota.

The rest of the states want bigger boobs, searching for breast implants the most often. With one very notable exception; North Dakota folks want to have their hoo-hahs rebuilt. Vaginal rejuvenation is the most commonly searched for procedure. What are they doing in North Dakota that is tearing up lady parts? Given the ratio of farm animals to people, I don't think I want to know.

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