Mike Rowse A voice from New Mexico

16Dec/160

You think waterboarding is bad? You don’t know bad, you can’t handle bad.

So many leftists and a few on the right are against waterboarding calling it torture. Never mind that it's an effective way to obtain information from bad guys and Americans don't put others lives in danger. Whether it's bad or not, we've come a long way in our methods of torture or punishment or interrogation. Just look at what pirates used to do.

one method of punishment that tyrants use was called sweating. The offender was tied by a short road to the mast. The rest of the crew would try and/or poke him with their swords. The offender had to try and dance or jump around to avoid the pokes. Often if there was someone who had a fiddle they would play music while the offender danced around.

While it may not have been as common as movies try to make us think it was, walking the plank was an actual punishment for prisoners or members of the crew who had betrayed their shipmates. The person would be blindfolded and told to begin walking, but they weren't always stupid, they knew where they were headed. So it was not uncommon for the sentenced party to be shot in the legs forcing that person to fall off the plank. They also knew that that would attract sharks and their death would be even more horrible.

Flogging is another well-known form of punishment. And it was as you saw in the movies; the person was tied to the mast and went across the back. What is not as commonly known is that salt and vinegar would then be poured into the wounds. That was often more painful than the actual punishment.

If your shipmates were so mad at you that they didn't want to take the time to let you walk the plank they would just throw you overboard. Sometimes they would tie you to a rope and drag you along until you drowned or succumbed to hypothermia. All while they drank rum and took bets on how long you would last.

If you are offense was not so severe that your shipmates wanted to kill you, they would tie you to a board and dunk you in the ocean several times. How long you stayed under or how many times you got dumped depended not only upon the severity of your transgression but the drunkenness of your shipmates.

Keel hauling was similar to being dumped but probably meant that your shipmates were a little bit more mad at you. Or they were too drunk to keep lifting you out of the ocean so they would tie you to the keel and let the ship to the work.

My ruining someone on a deserted island was also fairly, and whether they be prisoners or members of the crew that had fallen out of favor. There was little to no chance of survival but often the offending person was allowed to take a pistol with one shot so they could end their life if they so desired. That was thoughtful.

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7Dec/160

Funny thoughts…

mickey-mouse-face

wouldn't the worst time to have a heart attack be during a game of charades?

Swimming is a confusing sport. Sometimes you do it for fun, sometimes you do it to win a race, sometimes you do it so that you do not die.

A friend of mine was telling me that he was the designated driver one night while in college. He was taking his sister and four or five of her friends out for an evening of dancing and drinking. Whenever it was his turn to be the DD and take them out never really had fun and they had on occasion suggested that they go to a gay club. The reason being, that he was wanting to pick up girls at the bars they were usually going to and often wanted to leave early because he couldn't participate in the fun. One night he finally agreed but he was worried that he would be hit upon all night long. His experience was something different than he imagined. He was about 28 at the time and said all of the guys in the gate are worked easily between 19-22; all of them were studs, with six pack abs and looks like Brad Pitt. He just sat at the bar sipping on Coca-Cola all night while his sister and her friends have fun. Not one time did any guy hit upon him, that is until 1 AM when the last call announcement was made. Then guys were coming up to him asking him where he had been all night. That is when it hits him, he was the fat chick at the gay bar. He never complained about going to a dance club after that.

How many of you have played the dice game bunco? You know what that word means; it means gossiping while holding dice.

Ladies if you want to control your boyfriend or your husband what do you do? I think one of the most common answers is that you withhold sex. That is absolutely the wrong thing to do. Let me explain it this way; there is already a very, very long line of people not having sex with your boyfriend or husband. You don't see them running around doing stuff just to have sex with them all the time do you? If you want your husband or boyfriend to finish the to do list you gave him or help more around the house you should have sex with them all the time. That way your man knows he owes you big time and will keep doing things to make you happy so that you won't stop having sex with him. I can tell you what's going through his mind, I'm going to do all of this stuff and be back for fun time later.

Men are like bricks; our whole purpose in life is to get laid and then hang around the block with our bodies.

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3Nov/160

How about a little low brow humor?

Sexism Motivation

there will be a lot of people who will say this is not funny if they are in public when they hear it. But they will secretly laugh at it or if they are alone they will laugh out loud. Lowbrow humor, according to scientific studies, or appreciation of lowbrow humor is an indicator of a higher level of intelligence. And you cannot argue with science so if you don't think this is funny I'm sorry that you have to ride the short bus to school.

People have tweeted the following about sex related topics;

Did you know that a pigs orgasm lasts for about 30 minutes? So would mind if I were having sex with something made out of bacon.

I undid my girlfriends bra with one hand the first time we had sex. She looked at me and asked if I had been practicing? Of course not I said, as I exchanged a knowing glance with my dog.

I read a magazine article that said be honest with your partner about what you want during sex. Later as my boyfriend and I were having sex he asked what I wanted, I replied a pet kangaroo.

Sex is really good but have you ever had bacon? No comparison.

My college roommate told me once, if there is a sock on the door knob it means I'm having sex, with the other one.

Can you buy a ticket on Virgin Airlines if you aren't one?

Sex is like pizza, if you are going to use barbecue sauce, you had better know what the heck you are doing.

What idiot named it leaving right after sex and not, nuts and bolts?

My doctor asked me how much exercise I get each week. I asked him if having sex counts and he said it does. My response was, absolutely none I'm married.

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1Nov/160

Why men shouldn’t write advice columns

men v women

There is a reason that Ann Landers was so successful for so many years; she actually listens to the question and what is really being asked of her. Women's brains work differently than those of men; we tend to see the problem that is most important to us and then try to solve it. It's what we do. Here's an example of why we don't give relations

Dear John,

The other morning I left the house for work. I left my husband watching television as it was his day off. About a mile from the house the car sputtered and died. I could not get it restarted. I walked back to the house to get help. When I walked in I found my husband in the bedroom having sex with the neighbors daughter. He is 34, I am 32 and she is 19. He admitted that they have been having an affair for about six months. He promised to stop seeing her but he will not go to counseling. We have been married for 10 years and I do not want it to end but I am a mess. What should I do?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. First check the fuel line for any debris. If it is clear check the vacuum hoses on the intake manifold. Then check the grounding wires to see if any are loose. if none of this solves the problem then it could be a malfunctioning fuel pump, Causing low fuel pressure. You might need a mechanic to help you with this. I hope this helps, good luck in the future

Sincerely John

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27Oct/160

Random thoughts and observations

Iranian protests

The term redneck is unique to American lexicology, but the principle of an unsophisticated individual or group of individuals can be found in every country. Darwin waits patiently for all stupid people. In Gaza, a suicide bomber with ties to Hamas was shot and killed before he could detonate his bomb. His body was recovered by his fellow members of Hamas. Despite not having accomplished his mission, they still held a funeral worthy of a martyr. Here's a little pro tip for you would be terrorists; if your suicide bomber does not detonate his load before he dies, you might want to remove the bomb vest from his body before you start parading through town with his corpse. You guessed it, the bomb vest exploded taking at least 15 terrorists to meet Allah. That is karma baby!

I thought the whole Black Lives Matter movement and similar anti-discrimination and bigotry groups was geared towards eliminating racism. Apparently I am wrong and they want to further entrench racism into our country. This is certainly not the only story like this you can find, but it is clearly indicative of how these radicals think. At the University of California Berkeley this past weekend students protested the lack of safe spaces for "people of color" on the campus. Of course these safe spaces are designed to keep these little snowflakes protected from words and images that might offend them. That might cause them emotional harm and trauma just because they saw a word or saw a white person. The protesters quickly formed a human chain blocking access to Sather Gate, which apparently is one of the main entrances to the campus if you are walking. Now this was caught on video, the students would not allow white people to enter or exit through the gate. Rather they were forced to walk through the woods and cross Strawberry Creek in order to get to their classes. I wonder how the environmental groups on campus felt about that? Forcing the students and faculty to walk through the creek probably disturbed the riparian area and caused pollution not to mention killing some plants. The students are asking for different treatment because of the color of one's skin which we will ask again, is that not racism pure and simple? Remember the Democrats in the south enacted separate but equal laws keeping blacks and whites apart and in, theoretically, equal public institutions. That is the same thing the students are asking for right now. So explain to me how this helps to end racism?

One of the things we have always talked about when it comes to voting for elected officials at any level is that you should vote for the person who most closely reflects your belief system. When their core principles and yours are most closely aligned, and you know what is important to you and you should vote for the person who shares a similar set of principles. We can ask questions about what a person would do, what type of legislation they would support, or how they would deal with general issues. But one thing we can never anticipate is all of the things that an elected official will be asked to deal with while in office. If you vote for someone who reflects your general belief system, then you should have a degree of comfort knowing that they will deal with issues in the same manner that you might. One of the problems of course is that too many of our candidates tell us one thing and do another, and they do not often reveal their true principles to us. I find it interesting that in our local race, one candidate will not completely identify her educational or work history. Maybe it's because in some of her writings, she has identified herself as a cultural Marxist. She believes her work has been greatly affected by her political views. And maybe because she identifies with a very alternative lifestyle; she believes in living communally with adults and children and prefers to live that way as well as maintaining some other sexually open relationships in addition to a primary one. She also identified some of her most influential readings being authored by researchers who promoted what some called deviant sexual relationships. I wonder why this isn't in her biography?

Hillary Clinton was being interviewed on Fusion television and was asked why she voted for a wall along the Mexico/United States border in 2006. Her answer is typical political babble. She said she voted for border security in 2006 and part of the bill included a fence which, she pointed out it was never called a wall, but was called a fence. Maybe she said in some places it was a wall but to her it was a fence and not a wall. Is that like saying it depends upon what the definition of "is" is? Apparently she learned well from her husband how to parse words.

25Oct/160

What are you searching for again?

.internet

last week we rediscovered Google's analytics. There are some strange people that have the ability to use a computer and search the Internet. In fact it's time to put me in charge of who gets to breathe or not because clearly some stupid people are living longer and in some cases have learned how to reproduce. It's time to bring back lawn darts, take off all the warning labels and let things sort themselves out.

Here are the most frequently searched "how to" questions on Google by state. we aren't going to talk about all states but just some of this ones that are a bit shall we say different.

Alabama-how to make love. Well, first put your arms around your sister and kiss her.

Colorado how to play backgammon. Is that the new Stoner game?

Connecticut-how to be pretty. Moved to the south and tell them you are somebody's sister.

Delaware-how to get away with murder. I knew that residents of Delaware don't like some of their neighbors but isn't that bad?

Florida-how to get out of Florida. No, you just stay right there we don't want you infesting the rest of the country.

Georgia-how to crack a safe. Not because they're looking to rob someone but they forgot the combination to their gun safe.

Indiana-how to be popular. Well if you are pretty moved to Connecticut, they apparently need some pretty girls there.

Iowa-how to make Jell-O shots. Really, are you kidding me? Did your parents not teach you?

Kansas-how to find Kansas. Walk outside?

Kentucky-how to make a baby. First take off your sister's clothes.

Massachusetts-how to make doughnuts. You don't have a Dunkin' Donuts or Krispy Kreme?

Michigan-how to get unemployment. I thought they were teaching life skills in public school?

Minnesota-how to quit a job. Um, don't show up? People in Minnesota are really just Canadians, they are too nice to quit the job they hate.

Mississippi-how to twerk. act like you just went number two and don't have any toilet paper and are trying to get that last Dangler off your butt.

Montana-how to hard boil eggs. Too many Californians have moved to Montana.

Nebraska-how to fly a plane. Is that where we are sending all the Syrian refugees?

New Hampshire-how to tip cows. It depends upon how good the service is, talk to the people in Nebraska.

New Mexico-how to put on a condom. Clearly a lot of you need to know that they teaching this in public school?

Oklahoma-how to sext. first dialed your sister's number.

Pennsylvania-how to get drunk. If you know someone in Iowa:.

South Carolina-how to be yourself. First quit entering beauty pageants and saying bless her heart.

Utah-how to train the Dragon. hey, what are those Mormons up to now?

Virginia how to propose. First kneel in front of your sister.

If I have offended anyone, rub some dirt on it and get over it.

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19Oct/160

Too funny, too true

mickey-mouse-face

Sometimes you just need a bit of a laugh, especially these days. What people search for on the internet can be very revealing and give us a bit of humor as well. So what is it that people are searching for when it comes to plastic surgery procedures and what does it say about your state?

Here in NM, along with Arizona and Nevada, the most commonly searched for procedure is lip injections. I'm really not sure what to say about that, which might be a first.

But the ones that are really telling; in 9 states, people are looking to increase the size of their wedding tackle; e.g. penis enlargement. Alaska, Hawaii, Oklahoma, Missouri, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, Kentucky, and Michigan. I'm not sure if it's the men doing the research or the women. And for some reason throw in Massachusetts & New Hampshire.

Laser hair removal is the top search in 5 states, but probably not the ones you might think. Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Oregon, and Wisconsin. I'd have thought the southern states might dominate this category but then again, maybe the women don't think their back hair needs to be removed.

In the south, it's actually liposuction; Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, North & South Carolina, Tennessee, West Virginia, New York, Delaware, Illinois, and a couple of other northeastern states that are too small to care about. Maybe if they laid off the deep fried Twinkies... just sayin'.

Eyelid surgery makes a couple of appearances in New Hampshire, Minnesota, and South Dakota.

The rest of the states want bigger boobs, searching for breast implants the most often. With one very notable exception; North Dakota folks want to have their hoo-hahs rebuilt. Vaginal rejuvenation is the most commonly searched for procedure. What are they doing in North Dakota that is tearing up lady parts? Given the ratio of farm animals to people, I don't think I want to know.

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10Oct/160

Forget the debate, how about some random thoughts and observations?

Cliff Claven

Those of you that regularly listen to the show and read these pages know that every now and then my motivation is terrible. Over the last three weeks maybe even a month now it's been as low as ever as you can tell by the lack of posts on this page. But were going to try and get back on the horse and keep things going, so are not going to talk to the finer points of the debate last night or any of the points for that matter because I did not watch. Let's talk about some other stuff, shall we?

What is going on on our college campuses around the country continues to concern me and explains why or country is in such dire straits at this time, more divided than ever. Clark universities diversity officer was speaking at a forum, I believe it was, and said that if you are a white person in a car with white people and listening to traditionally black music you cannot sing along because that is racist. Especially if it uses words that can be used to describe black people in a negative way but that black people can say because it is part of their heritage. That might be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard but I've often thought that about the word that you and I both know is being discussed here. The officer went on to say it is also racist to tell people that you can get ahead, that anyone can get ahead in this country, if they work hard because clearly minorities in this country do not have the same opportunity as white people. So how did we get the black president, have a black Secretary of State, have black actors and actresses among the highest paid in the world and so on? Was it just handed to them because of affirmative action or will they tell you that they worked hard to get ahead? It's easy to laugh at and mark things like this but this is exactly what's happening at too many of our universities and in our political discourse. This is why we have more racial division now that we have had since the 1960s because we are dividing people more and more based upon a simple characteristic or demographic trait. We are not even making an attempt to be a colorblind society.

Apache oil Corporation announced a month or so ago that they have located a new oil and natural gas field in West Texas. They estimate there are 3 billion barrels of oil and 1,750,000,000,000 ft.³ of natural gas. What was that about peak oil again? Not to mention that Saudi Arabia and the rest of OPEC are nervous because Apache executives said that this oil and gas would be profitable to extract correct market prices. So OPEC's attempts to flood the market and drive American companies out of business seems to be backfiring.

You I think some people just talk to hear themselves talk and sounds smart. Heck, there are a lot of people who don't like me that will say the same thing about me. But I was listening to two guests on NPR radio show a little while back. They were talking about depression era menus that were being served to the poor. They were comparing the typical meals served at soup kitchens to what we serve to our families today. They talked about the meals "violently clashing" with each other. Now I'm not sure how meals or menus violently class, why not just say that they are different. But after a few more descriptive terms being used about the different meals, the women said it was clear that the people putting the menus together during the depression did not care about food combinations and how they could affect the health of those being served the food. Are you kidding me? How much did we pay them to do the study? I'll guarantee we did not get our money's worth. Do they not realize that soup kitchens or other groups who provide food to the homeless or the poor have to purchase what is available to them using what funds they have? Often the food they get is donated so they have to work with it. Having any food is better than having no food. And let's not forget that at the time, in the 1930s, from science was nowhere near as advanced as it is today. But these two women probably thought they were overly intelligent in providing such wonderful insight that our lives were going to be so much better for them having been on this earth. Give me a break

Donald Trump said he is going to reduce inflation. Tom Brady immediately released a statement saying that he will vote for Trump now.

You know Santa Claus as a list of all the good and bad people in the world. But he will not provide that list to the government or any marketing entity. He keeps it to himself. Hey Google, what do you think about that?

3Oct/160

Time to bring Monday Morning Funnies back

Fatherhood Motivational Poster

Time to start off the work week with some humor once again and what better way than to remind you that all stereotypes have some basis in reality; no not everyone in the demographic is stereotypical and we've never said that but when you read the things about some mothers in law from hell, you'll recognize a little bit of yours, quite possibly.

She stole $70K from my husband because her other son needed it more.

My newborn had to have surgery the day after his birth; instead of offering comforting advice, she said we should have him baptized in case he died on the operating table.

Are you covering up your homosexuality like my daughter? Neither one of us is gay.

My MIL constantly tells stories at the dinner table about my husband's ex.

Mine kept insisting on shaving my newborn daughter's hair saying the hair babies are born with is unclean. She would do it while we weren't home.

We were remodeling our bedroom, so we built a blanket fort in the living room and slept there. My MIL thought it was immature (both of us were 22) and cut up the blankets with a kitchen knife.

At our wedding, my MIL told my younger brother that he would have been a better match for my wife, while I was standing right there.

I was 9 months pregnant and my MIL called me a snotty bitch when I said I couldn't carry her 70 lb suitcase up a flight of stairs; then showed up drunk to the baby shower and asked if my husband was really the father.

She said she'd still love me even if I got fat after having kids.

Threatened to take me to court if I wouldn't put my 9 month old on a plane, by himself, to come visit her. She lived across the country.

MIL would come to the first house we lived in after marriage and rearrange the furniture and move the pictures because she thought it looked better than the way I did it.

Gave me her used lingerie. Said her married boyfriend loved it on her and she was hoping it would lead to a grandchild.

While I was pregnant my MIL told me she wanted to raise our baby because she'd missed so much of my husband's childhood; threatened to tell child services that I was an unfit mother if we didn't agree.

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8Aug/160

Let’s laugh a little

mickey-mouse-face

Some Mondays are harder to deal with than others and this seems like one that needs a bit of a pick me up. So let's laugh a bit, even if it's at someone else's expense; I'm sure they've laughed at us before.

Things parents kept from their kids:

Regina - don't tell them that's not their original goldfish in the bowl. In fact, it's number 3. The other two are on a long trip through the sewer.

Ryan - don't tell the kids, but I really don't know what I'm doing.

Chris - I give them chores because I don't want to do them anymore.

Nora - my kids owe their very existence to my acts of impulsiveness, irresponsibility, and poor judgment.

Cathy - everything I tell them not to do, I did when I was their age.

I always steal a couple of nuggets out of their Happy Meals on the way home; kids can't do math.

Al - someday your boss isn't going to give you a participation medal

Andrew - I spent their allowance on whiskey

CK - I keep ice cream in a box labeled frozen peas.

Jason - I took some money out of their piggy bank

Mom - I'm counting down the seconds until school starts while telling them I'll miss them

Ian - mom and I have snacks; and we're not sharing

Jenny - the wifi isn't down, I turned it off to spend time with them.

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